Roaching is when someone is seeing multiple people but keeps that hidden from you. When you eventually find out, they shrug and say you never agreed to be exclusive, so technically they did nothing wrong.
The problem is not that they were dating other people. Plenty of people do that in the early stages. The problem is the deliberate secrecy, followed by using a technicality as cover.
Where the term comes from
The name comes from the old saying about cockroaches: if you see one, there are plenty more you cannot see. Find out about one other person and there are probably several. The term was popularised by dating writers and spread on social media around 2018, alongside other bug and animal-themed dating slang.
What roaching looks like
- They are vague about their weekends and evenings.
- Their phone is always face down, and notifications are hidden.
- They avoid posting about you, or anyone, on social media.
- They never introduce you to friends, who might let something slip.
- They still have dating apps installed and active “by accident”.
- When challenged, the line is always “we never said we were exclusive”.
- They act wounded that you are upset, as if you are the unreasonable one.
An example
You have been seeing someone for two months. Dates every week, sleepovers, talk of a trip in the summer. Then a friend spots them on a date with someone else.
Who was that you were with on Friday?
Just someone I’ve been seeing. Why?
I thought we were seeing each other
We are. We never said we were exclusive though?
That last line is the roaching move. Technically true, but they knew exactly what you assumed and chose to let you keep assuming it.
Why people do it
Usually because they want the benefits of multiple connections without the awkward conversation. Being upfront risks losing someone who wants exclusivity. Keeping quiet means they get to keep everyone, at least for a while.
Some people genuinely see casual non-exclusive dating as the default and do not think it needs saying. That is a mismatch in assumptions rather than roaching. The difference is whether they actively hid things or would have answered honestly if asked.
Roaching vs related terms
Roaching sits close to cookie jarring, where someone keeps you as a backup while chasing their preferred option. In cookie jarring you are the side option. In roaching you might be one of several equals, but nobody has been told.
It also overlaps with having a roster. Having a roster is not inherently dishonest, as long as everyone knows things are casual. Roaching is what happens when you keep a roster secret. And because it relies on avoiding labels, it is common in a situationship.
What to do about it
The best protection against roaching is a conversation most people put off: are we exclusive or not? If you have not had it, you cannot assume. If you have had it and they lied, that is a different (and simpler) problem.
- Have the exclusivity chat once things feel like they matter to you, not months later.
- Ask a direct question rather than hinting.
- If you find out mid-way, decide what you want, not what you think you should accept.
- If you have been through this before and it has knocked your trust, our guide on dating again after being cheated on may help.
Messages you can use:
I’m not seeing anyone else and I’d like us to be exclusive. Where are you at with that?
I don’t mind if you want to keep things open, but I need to know. Are you seeing other people?
You’re right that we never said exclusive. But hiding it isn’t the same as being honest. I’m out.
Our full guide on how to have the “what are we” talk walks you through timing and wording.
FAQs
What is roaching in dating?
Roaching is when someone hides the fact they are dating other people, then defends themselves by saying you never agreed to be exclusive. It is named after cockroaches, because when you spot one there are usually more.
Is roaching cheating?
If you had agreed to be exclusive, hiding other partners is cheating. If you had not, it is not technically cheating, but the deliberate secrecy is still dishonest and a fair reason to walk away.
How do I avoid being roached?
Ask about exclusivity directly once you care about the outcome. A clear question removes the “we never said” excuse and shows you quickly whether you are on the same page.
Is it wrong to date multiple people at once?
No. Dating more than one person in the early stages is common. It only becomes roaching when you actively hide it from someone who clearly believes otherwise.