Cushioning is when someone in a relationship keeps other romantic options warm on the side, just in case. They’re flirting with a few people, keeping chats going, maybe never quite deleting the apps. If the relationship ends, they’ve got something soft to land on.
It’s not always full cheating. Often nothing physical happens. But the intent is there: a backup plan that their partner doesn’t know about.
Where the term comes from
The word comes from the idea of cushioning a fall. If you think a relationship might end, having other people lined up softens the blow. The term appeared in dating slang lists and articles around 2017 and has stuck around since, mostly through online dating and relationship content.
It sits in a family of terms about keeping options open, alongside benching and having a roster.
What cushioning looks like
Signs tend to be small on their own but add up.
- Their dating apps are still active, or they’re “still on there but never use it”
- Lots of flirty messaging with one or two people they describe as “just friends”
- Protective of their phone in a way that’s new or unusual for them
- Staying in regular contact with an ex in a way that feels a bit too warm
- Talking to someone “from work” late at night and changing the subject when you ask
- Getting noticeably more attentive to other people when your relationship hits a rough patch
- Being vague about your status in front of certain people
An example
Six months into a relationship, things are a bit rocky. Chris notices a regular stream of messages from someone named Sophie, mostly late at night. When asked, the answer is casual.
Chris: Who’s Sophie? You two message a lot.
Partner: Just someone from my old job. We’re mates.
Chris: Do you tell her about us?
Partner: Not really, it’s never come up.
Later, Chris sees a message from Sophie: “Let me know if you ever end up single ;)”. Nothing has happened between them, but the door has clearly been left open. That’s cushioning.
Why people do it
People who cushion are usually managing fear rather than plotting.
- Fear of being alone. Having options feels safer than risking a gap between relationships.
- Insecurity in the relationship. If they sense it might end, they hedge.
- Avoiding hard conversations. Keeping a backup is easier than talking honestly about problems.
- Ego. Attention from other people feels good, especially when the relationship isn’t.
- Not fully committed. Some people never quite stop looking, even once they’re officially together.
None of these make it fair on their partner. It means one person is all in while the other has one foot out of the door.
Cushioning vs benching vs roaching
Benching is keeping someone interested as a backup while you see if something better comes along. The person on the bench is the backup. With cushioning, you’re the main relationship and the backups are elsewhere.
Roaching is hiding the fact that you’re seeing several people, then acting surprised when it comes out. It’s about early dating. Cushioning usually happens once you’re already together, which is why it can feel like more of a betrayal.
Having a roster is fine while you’re single and casually dating, as long as it’s honest. It becomes cushioning once you’ve agreed to be exclusive.
What to do about it
If you suspect cushioning, it’s worth talking about before it eats away at you.
- Focus on the behaviour you’ve seen, not on accusations. “I’ve noticed you message Sophie a lot late at night” lands better than “You’re cheating”.
- Ask what’s going on in the relationship. Cushioning often points to a problem they haven’t raised.
- Agree on what exclusivity means for both of you. Some couples are fine with flirty friendships, others aren’t.
- Trust patterns over explanations. One odd message is nothing. A steady stream is something.
- Decide what you need. If they won’t close the doors, you’re allowed to.
Messages to start the conversation:
I’ve noticed some things that make me feel like you’re keeping your options open. Can we talk about it?
Are you still on the apps? I’d rather know than wonder.
I need to feel like we’re both fully in this. Is that where you are?
If you’ve been through this before, it can make it harder to trust new partners. Our guide on dating again after being cheated on is worth a read, and our list of red flags in early dating you should never ignore covers other signs someone isn’t fully committed.
Are you doing it?
Ask yourself honestly: would you be comfortable if your partner read your messages to a particular person? Are you keeping someone around “just in case”? If so, that’s a signal something isn’t right in your relationship. The fairer move is to address it with your partner, or end things, rather than hedging in secret.
FAQs
What is cushioning in dating?
Cushioning is when someone in a relationship keeps other romantic options going on the side, through flirting, regular chats or staying active on dating apps, so they have a “cushion” to fall back on if the relationship ends.
Is cushioning the same as cheating?
Not always. Cushioning doesn’t necessarily involve anything physical. But it does involve emotional dishonesty and keeping romantic options open behind a partner’s back, which many people would consider a breach of trust whether or not anything happens.
How do I know if my partner is cushioning?
Common signs include still being active on dating apps, very flirty “friendships”, unusual secrecy around their phone, warm contact with an ex, and paying more attention to others when your relationship is struggling. One sign alone isn’t proof, but a pattern is worth discussing.
What should I do if I find out I’m someone’s cushion?
If you realise you’re the backup for someone in a relationship, you’re within your rights to step away. Being someone’s safety net rarely turns into a fair, equal relationship, and it usually means you’re getting a fraction of the attention you deserve.