Cookie jarring is when someone keeps you on standby, like a cookie saved in the jar for later, while they pursue the person they actually want. You get enough attention to stay interested. You never get top billing.
If things fall through with their first choice, you are the comfort snack. If things go well with their first choice, you may quietly stop hearing from them.
Where the term comes from
The phrase borrows from the obvious image: a jar of biscuits on the side that you reach into when you fancy something sweet, not because it is dinner. It started appearing in dating articles and on social media around 2018, as one of a batch of food-based and metaphor-heavy terms for being treated as a fallback. It is closely related to benching, which describes the same idea through a sports metaphor.
What cookie jarring looks like
- They are warm and flirty, but plans stay vague and often get moved.
- They tend to reach out late at night, at weekends or when they are clearly bored.
- Their availability rises and falls for no obvious reason.
- They are cagey about what they are doing or who they are seeing.
- They keep things friendly enough that you do not want to walk away.
- You never quite progress, even after weeks or months.
- They show up most when another option seems to have gone quiet.
An example
You matched with someone in spring. They text you most days, send voice notes, and tell you they “really like talking to you”. Every time you suggest a date, though, something comes up.
Saturday? Love that idea, let me check what I’m doing
Did you work it out?
Ah sorry, been a manic week. Next weekend defo x
Then, out of nowhere, a month later they are suddenly free every night and keen to meet. A mutual friend mentions their thing with someone else just ended. You were the cookie jar.
Why people do it
Mostly, fear of being left with nothing. Keeping a backup makes rejection from the first choice feel less risky. Some people do it without much thought: they enjoy the attention and do not want to close a door. Others are aware of it and justify it as “keeping options open”.
It is also easier than it used to be. Messaging apps make it low effort to keep someone warm with a few texts a week, which is enough to stop them moving on. If you are struggling to tell real interest from keeping-you-around behaviour, our guide to reading mixed signals over text helps.
Cookie jarring vs benching
The two are near enough the same thing. Benching tends to describe keeping someone on the sidelines generally, whether there is a specific rival or not. Cookie jarring usually implies there is a particular person they are chasing, and you are the safety net if that does not work out. We cover the benching side in much more depth in our post on what benching is in dating.
It also overlaps with breadcrumbing, where someone gives you small scraps of attention to keep you interested. Breadcrumbing is the method. Cookie jarring is the reason behind it.
What to do about it
The cure for being a backup is to stop being available on their schedule. You do not have to confront them. You just have to ask for something concrete.
- Suggest a specific day and time. Vague people struggle with specifics.
- Notice who initiates. If it is always you, or always them at 11pm, that is your answer.
- Keep dating other people until someone actually commits to plans.
- Ask the direct question if you have been at it a while.
Messages you can use:
I like talking to you, but I’d rather actually meet. Are you free Thursday at 7?
I get the sense I’m not your main focus right now. That’s fine, but I’d rather know where I stand.
I’m looking for someone who’s properly keen. If that’s not you right now, no hard feelings.
Are you doing it?
If you are texting someone mainly so they will be there if your real crush does not work out, you are cookie jarring. The honest thing is to either give them a fair shot or let them go. Keeping someone hopeful costs them time they could spend on someone who wants them first.
FAQs
What does cookie jarring mean in dating?
It means keeping someone as a backup option, giving them just enough attention to stay interested while you pursue someone you prefer. If your first choice falls through, you return to the backup.
How do I know if I’m being cookie jarred?
Look for inconsistent availability, vague plans that keep falling through, and sudden enthusiasm that appears out of nowhere. If they are warm over text but never commit to dates, it is worth asking why.
Is cookie jarring the same as benching?
Very close. Both mean keeping someone on standby. Cookie jarring usually suggests there is one specific person they are chasing, while benching can be more general.
Should I confront someone who is cookie jarring me?
You can, but you do not need a big conversation. Asking for a specific date or a clear answer about where things are going usually reveals everything.