Submarining is when someone goes completely silent on you, then surfaces again later as if no time has passed. No apology, no explanation, just a cheerful “hey stranger” or a reply to a conversation you assumed was long dead.
The key detail is the pretending. They are not coming back to explain or make things right. They are coming back and hoping you will skip over the bit where they vanished.
Where the term comes from
The name is a simple metaphor: a submarine dives out of sight, stays under for a while, then pops back up somewhere without warning. The term spread through dating articles and social media in the late 2010s, in the same wave as ghosting and zombieing, as people looked for words to describe the strange ways modern dating ends (or doesn’t).
What submarining looks like
- Total silence for weeks or months after things seemed to be going fine.
- A sudden message that picks up as if you spoke yesterday (“So are we still on for that pub quiz?”).
- No reference to the gap at all, or a breezy one-liner like “been mad busy”.
- Changing the subject if you ask where they went.
- Acting surprised or a bit put out if you are not instantly warm.
- Often turning up at predictable moments: a weekend, after a breakup, around holidays.
An example
You had four good dates with someone. They stopped replying in March. In June your phone lights up:
Heyyy, did you ever try that ramen place we talked about?
Haha that was months ago
Was it? Time flies. We should go this week
That is submarining in a nutshell. Three months of silence turned into “time flies”, and straight into making plans.
Why people do it
Usually the gap had a reason they would rather not say out loud. They might have been seeing someone else and it ended. They might have been overwhelmed, depressed or just not that bothered at the time. Explaining any of that is awkward, so they skip it.
Some people genuinely do not think the silence was a big deal. They are casual communicators and assume you are too. Others know exactly what they did and are betting that confidence will carry them past it. Our post on why people ghost goes into the common reasons behind the original disappearance.
Submarining vs zombieing
These two are close relatives and often get used interchangeably. The difference is mostly in the tone of the return.
Zombieing is the general act of a ghost coming back from the dead. Submarining specifically means coming back and acting as if nothing happened. A zombie might say “sorry I disappeared”. A submariner does not mention it at all.
It also differs from orbiting, where someone stops talking to you but keeps watching your stories and liking posts. An orbiter never fully leaves; a submariner goes properly dark, then reappears.
What to do about it
First, decide what you actually want. Not what they want, and not what feels polite. If you were glad to see their name pop up, there is nothing wrong with giving it another go, as long as you get an explanation first. If you felt mostly irritation, trust that.
If you are open to it
Ask directly. A decent person will give you a straight answer.
Good to hear from you, but you disappeared for three months. What happened?
Before we make plans, I’d like to know why you went quiet. I’m not after drama, just honesty.
If you are not interested
You do not owe a long reply. Short and clear is fine.
Thanks, but I’ve moved on. All the best.
If you are not sure
Slow down. Reply when you feel like it, not immediately. Watch whether they are consistent this time or whether the pattern repeats. If you are weighing up a reunion with someone you were more serious about, our guide on whether to get back with your ex is a useful gut check.
Are you doing it?
If you have gone quiet on someone and want to reach out again, the fix is simple: own the gap. One honest sentence (“I went quiet because I was a mess after my last relationship, sorry”) is the difference between submarining and a genuine reconnection. Our article on what to text after no contact has examples that do this well.
FAQs
What does submarining mean in dating?
It means someone ghosts you, then reappears later behaving as though they never left. They do not apologise or explain the silence and expect to carry on where you left off.
Is submarining the same as zombieing?
They are very similar. Zombieing is any return after ghosting. Submarining is the version where the person acts like nothing happened. In practice, many people use the two words for the same thing.
Why do people come back after ghosting?
Common reasons include a relationship ending, boredom, loneliness, or genuinely regretting how they left things. The reason matters less than whether they are willing to explain it honestly.
Should I reply to someone who submarined me?
Only if you want to. If you do, ask about the disappearance before agreeing to anything. How they handle that question tells you most of what you need to know.